Getting Over Disagreements
It’s all fun and games until… it isn’t.
Talking honestly about a tough topic.
Disagreements, arguments, fights - call them what you will - they are a natural part of any relationship. But let’s face it, we are not always going to agree with each other. However, how you handle them can have a significant impact on you and your partner. We ALL have control over HOW we manage these uncomfortable situations. It's critical to learn how to effectively mend your relationship after a disagreement, argument or fight. In this blog post, I'll explore some strategies that couples can use to repair their relationship after things have gotten WAY TOO spicy, in all the wrong ways.
This week we (of course I mean me! Just being polite, inclusive and avoiding an argument lol!) are coming to you from Texas, on our way to Amarillo as we make our way south and east to South Carolina! The purpose of this trip? - well, absolutely to have an excellent adventure together, but even more exciting is that my sister Margo, who lives in South Carolina, is getting MARRIED TO HER HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART!! She is turning 69, he is turning 70. They are both widowed, and they reconnected about a year and a half ago and fell in love with each other again! I LOVE a good love story.
So, Kevin and I decided to make a road trip out of this Epic Event, and we are on day 7 on our Excellent Adventure. But to be completely honest, some days are LONG days. We are traveling, sleeping, eating and visiting in our beloved Ruby the Red, our 1987 Chevy Get-Away van, loaded up with bikes and kayaks and living supplies (be sure to see the photo!), and the distance we are traveling requires quite an investment of travel time each day. Lovely the dog is of course along for the ride, and while she had no problems with traveling by car prior to this journey, she spends a lot of her time panting and drooling, which we find endearing and disgusting at the same time. And even though we have the GPS on and know where we are going and how long it takes to get there, we are required to stop several times so that Lovely can have a break. Five hour distances can somehow turn into 10 hour days. And some days it gets pretty chilly in the drivers and passenger seats, if you know what I mean!
Remember, a strong relationship is not built on never having disagreements, but on how you handle them when they occur.
Disagreements seem to occur most often between Kevin and I when one or both are tired and/or stressed. At home, we can get away from each other, but here in Ruby we are stuck. Knowing what we know about each other, on a couple of long day occasions we have made an agreement before the travel day begins to be kind to each other, treat the day like a date as much as possible, because when we are on a date, we are naturally kinder and more loving. Below are a few other ideas that make some good sense. Take a moment!
Take a Time Out - Time to Cool Down.
In the van, this just means not talking to each other for a while! When you're in the heat of an argument, it's easy to say things you don't mean or to react impulsively. Sometimes when we feel hurt by our favourite, we want to hurt back, and so goes deeper our need to lash out. Taking time to cool down can help you avoid saying or doing something that you might regret later. Take a break from the conversation (and/or tension) and give yourself and your partner some time to calm down before trying to discuss the issue again. I know it’s really easy to say, but one of you needs to say stop, and then you both need to stop and try again when cooler heads prevail. This is a real challenge in our close space but luckily we have used this strategy extensively and it works for us.
Practice Active Listening
In the van, this is really challenging as we are both showing some signs of hearing loss and end up saying “What did you say?” many times during any conversation, which either leads to laughter or a quiet time! One of the most important skills in any relationship is active listening. It's crucial to really hear what your partner is saying and try to understand their perspective. Avoid owning all the conversation, and laying all the blame. This relationship goes both ways, so stop and listen, without building a counter argument in your head. Pause. Make sure to give your partner your full attention, avoid interrupting, and repeat back what you heard to ensure you understand their point of view. Take some time and be sure you heard what you think you heard.
Apologize and Mean It
In the van, some quiet time is required first. If you said or did something hurtful during the disagreement, it's important to apologize and mean it. A genuine apology can go a long way in mending the relationship. Acknowledge the impact of your words or actions and express your regret. Avoid making excuses or justifying your behavior. It’s ok to show emotion while owning up to whatever. The intention to hurt one another adds fuel to the fire and the conversation just goes in the wrong direction.
Try Finding a Compromise
In the van, this strategy can go either way! If the disagreement was about a specific issue, try finding a compromise. Compromise can be an effective way to agree on an approach or a solution, and can feel like a win-win. However compromise, where no one person really gets their way but each person does feel heard, can still be considered a win-win (but not a slam dunk!) which inevitably helps to mend the relationship. Working together to find a solution that works for both of you can be challenging, but when it works, it just feels good!!! . Be open to new ideas and willing to make compromises to find a resolution. Or, if no compromise is in the near future, agree to disagree and leave the topic alone for a white until things cool off. We don’t always find common ground.
Reconnect
In the van, this is awesome! Actually anywhere, this is awesome! After a disagreement, it's important to take time to reconnect and strengthen your bond. Plan a special date night, take a weekend getaway, or do something fun and lighthearted together. Reconnecting can help you move past the disagreement and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship
Finally:
Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, but it's important to learn how to effectively heal after a disagreement. By taking time to cool down, practicing active listening, , apologizing and meaning it, finding a compromise, and reconnecting, you can repair your relationship and move forward together. And remember - there are some rules that should never be broken:
1. Don’t fight under the influence. That just goes south way too fast and recovery is even harder.
Don’t name call. That’s childish, and the saying about sticks and stones is simply not true. Names do hurt, and hurtful names that come from the one we love the best are the most hurtful
Ask information seeking questions, then wait, and listen carefully to the answers.
If you’re not sure what is being said, again ask questions so you don’t go reacting to what you think your partner means.
Go to bed mad. It’s ok. From my research, most couples go to bed mad at some point in their relationship. Sleep in another room if you want. Time away when tensions are that high is good, and smart!